A Milsap Minute: February 2013

So much has happened in the past year. I really cannot even organize my thoughts and think of where to begin. I have been afraid to share my story for so long, but it is not my story to tell. It is the testimony my precious Father has given me to tell. I know that all I have experienced is for one thing: His glory. I do not deserve this testimony. My past is ugly. I did it to myself. I made choices that went against every fiber of how I was raised. And even now, as I struggle daily to keep my eyes focused on Him, I fail. Again and again. I have a merciful, forgiving, faithful Father that is full of abundant grace. He is constantly having to heap grace upon me, day after day after day. I could write a book on my past and how I have been redeemed, but I will start from this past year and save the past for another time. I feel the Lord has told me it is ok to share this now. If it hurts or offends to read my words, I apologize in advance. This is my testimony to share, and if you are anyone who has been involved in all of this and you’re reading this, I am sure you can point out my many flaws and failures. That is in my Savior’s hands. Like I said, He heaps grace on my head daily. 70x7. Thank you Jesus.

Daniel and I went to high school together. We actually grew up going to Hickory Grove Baptist together, but I do not have memories of him from there. Only of his sister. I remember Daniel from high school, as he was a year younger than me. He was the opposite of me. Class clown, slacker (he would tell you this too!), wasn’t involved in anything at school. I on the other hand was in different clubs and activities, softball team, quiet, teacher’s pet-if I liked the teacher. I remember he would always wear a pen behind his ear and that was the extent of my memories of him. I went on to college to play on a scholarship, while he started his career. I dated a lot, trying to figure out what I wanted in a man. I had my own apartment and a good job. I was wild and crazy and did not live for the Lord. I had bursts in there of mission trips to Guatemala and living for the Lord, but satan and sin so easily entangles us at times. Meanwhile, Daniel married and had a baby girl, Aubrey. It didn’t work out for Daniel and Aubrey’s mom and they soon after parted ways. I am thankful that the Lord protected Aubrey from many scars and hurt by not really ever knowing her parents together.

Daniel and I met and quickly fell in love. I adored Aubrey from the moment I met her. She is so precious, charming, outgoing, loving, spunky, and smart. There is nothing to not love about that child. People did not like how quickly I came into her life, but it happened. Things were said to her about me to try to drive her away from liking me. A fear of me was instilled into her by things said to her. It was heartbreaking. A sweet little girl went from loving me to fearing me, and I did nothing but love her. It hurt. I kept loving her every change I got, until all chances were taken away from me. We no longer were allowed to have her for overnight visits and I did not see Aubrey for 5 months. I cried for her. Daniel and I continued our relationship and married 9 months after our first time catching up.

Christmas Day 2011 was a bittersweet day. No one will ever be able to take the joyful thoughts of my wedding day from me, but we will always have sad memories of that day as well. Maybe this brings pleasure to others. I am not sure. Daniel was to have Aubrey that day. It was his turn. He waited anxiously to go pick his sweet daughter up. I had her fancy new dress and flower girl basket laid out, a pretty clip for her hair and new shoes were waiting. The curling iron was on and ready to fluff up her already beautiful natural curls. Her place was set at the table. The excitement was all crushed when Daniel returned home, empty handed, and fell to the floor weeping as my Dad caught him. As I broke the rule not to see your husband on your wedding day before the ceremony, I comforted him. I cannot tell you how long he cried. Time stood still. Our guests arrived as we wiped his tears. The day went on, and we had a beautiful wedding with my family and friends. We celebrated in Blowing Rock the following few days and then sometime in the week after New Years, we were allowed to have Aubrey for a few hours to open gifts.

Time continued to pass. Daniel would drive 40 minutes to go visit Aubrey at daycare, as this was all he was allowed. He would take her for a quick trip to Chick-Fil-A sometimes, other times he would just enjoy a few moments with her there at daycare. I remember helping him make a bag for Valentine’s Day full of sweet little gifts for Aubrey and a big card. I heard she liked it. This sweet little girl evoked a lot of emotion from quite a few people. I was yelled at, called names, and spoken to in unfathomable ways. I admit, I was not innocent. I did react. I fired back when attacked. I have prayed for forgiveness for this many times. Thank you Lord for Your grace.